the questions of identity
by alirodina
Summary: lockon and setsuna talk about stars.


The Questions of Identity

"Soran."

He opened his eyes quickly, casting the sheets from his body along with sleep. His heart beat quickly, and he was breathing equally fast. Sighing, he buried his face in one hand, rubbing the tips of his forefinger and thumb against his temples.

"Setsuna?"

He turned to where the voice came from, not answering. Lockon's eyes glittered in the half-light, slice of the moon from the window, and Setsuna saw Lockon frown at him, curiosity and worry warring in his pale face.

"Something wrong?"

"A dream, that's all." Setsuna took his hand away, standing up. "Go back to sleep."

"Where are you going?" Lockon said. His voice was too even, too awake, so Setsuna had to wonder if Lockon had been asleep at all or just lying silently on his cot. Setsuna didn't like spending too much time in Celestial Being's island base, going back to his apartment whenever he can because there he could be alone. There was only one sleeping quarter on base, the rest of the space given over to docking stations for the Gundams and they couldn't build anything bigger because it would be easier to spot from above. Setsuna didn't like sleeping with someone else in the room with him, the grudging trust he gave for the other Meisters only stretching so far, but he didn't like turning his back to anyone more than he had to. Alone, he felt safer.

Alone, no one could hear him cry out from the dreams.

"Outside. I need to walk around." _Go back to sleep_, he wanted to say again, but Setsuna hated repeating himself. And the emphasis was only going to make Lockon suspicious. The rest of the Meisters weren't stupid, they'd all done IQ tests before they signed on the whole venture, but they were all more or less caught up in their own businesses. Setsuna was fine with that. He had his own problems enough without taking on anybody else's. They were united in what they wanted to achieve, but that was it. Without the war, without Celestial Being, Setsuna doubted they'd all have anything to do with each other.

Except Lockon. He had his own demons, that much Setsuna knew. His reaction to Teiria's comment about terrorists told Setsuna as much. But Lockon seemed to genuinely care about people. He was the first one to accept Setsuna into Celestial Being, who played buffer between Setsuna and the rest whenever their opinions clashed. Behind his laid-back attitude, his smart mouth and twisted smiles, Setsuna thought that Lockon was probably the strongest of the Meisters. And he had already chosen his own path, no matter if it was all just a downward spiral, following it inexorably. When the time comes, Setsuna knew no one can stop Lockon from going all the way down.

The thought distracted him, made him forget why he was walking out of the base in the middle of the night. But buttoning the doors closed again, with the trees rising like charcoal strokes against the sky above him, he heard the name again, dream-echo, and he started to walk faster.

It had been dark as well, back then. And the wind cold, colder than death, colder than the submachine gun he'd held tightly against his body. There had been a symbiosis between him and the gun then, his body warming the metal, and himself borrowing enough coldness to squeeze the trigger.

_What's your name?_

_Setsuna F. Seiei._

He was nobody else, never that other name again. All of that done away with, and yet there was still too much left to do before he'd rid himself of the past entirely, if at all. To set things right, he had to let go of everything, believing in nothing but himself. The fact was that there was no right ot wrong, the world not as easy as that, all the shades of grey left, and in the end it all burned down into actions. Decisions, actions and the consequences. There was no God, and that left humans as the highest sentience to decide what was good or bad.

Like Lockon, Setsuna had chosen his path. As a kid, Soran Ibrahim had found that decision too overwhelming. But he knew better now. There was no use making God an excuse for everything. There was no God, but if there was, He was too weak to change anything.

"Why?" he said aloud, hating the way his voice sounded too loud against the rustling of the woods.

"You'll catch cold if you stay out too long." Twigs broke underfoot as Lockon went to where Setsuna was standing. "Jeez, couldn't you have remembered to put on your jacket at least?"

"I'm used to the cold," said Setsuna. He lifted his arms obligingly as Lockon put his jacket on, feeling irritated that Lockon was treating him too much like a child again, but the contact felt too good. Lockon's hands real and solid and Setsuna's thoughts seemed insubstancial against such immediacy. "And it's not cold, anyway."

"Yes it is. You'd been walking so fast you can't feel it, is all."

"What are you doing here?" Setsuna said.

"You'd better get as much rest as you can. We don't know when Miss Sumeragi's going to call on us." Lockon kept one hand on Setsuna's shoulder.

"I could say the same to you."

"I couldn't sleep."

"Don't force it on others, then," said Setsuna. He stepped away, shrugging off Lockon's hand.

"Was it a bad dream?"

"What?" Setsuna wondered if he had cried out after all.

"You don't usually get bothered by anything." Lockon went closer to Setsuna again although he stopped a couple of feet away, not making actual contact anymore. When Setsuna finally turned back to look at the older man, he saw that Lockon had tipped his head back, looking at the stars. "The constellations are different here. You know, even though there's just one whole big chunk of space out there, the sky is all different for everyone. Where I was from, I could see the Dippers, and that made me feel calmer somewhat, like recognition makes me feel like I belong somewhere. The sky here unsettles me because of that. I don't recognize the stars."

Setsuna was silent for a while, thinking on it. He had tilted his head back as well, trying to see what Lockon did. Then he pointed at three stars lined up close together.

"See those over there? That's Orion's belt. That's how I look for him, by his belt, and all the rest comes into focus, like in an optical illusion."

"Where?"

"There. Over there." Setsuna sighed, knowing from Lockon's expression that the latter still hadn't seen what he'd been pointing at. Setsuna crossed the two-feet gap between them, pulling Lockon down and pointing again, getting close enough so that they were almost looking from the same angle.

"Hey, yeah, I think I see it now. Orion's the Hunter, right?" said Lockon, finally locating Orion for himself. "So most of this is familiar to you."

"I'm from HRL," said Setsuna, vaguely.

"That's kind of obvious," said Lockon. "Tell me something I don't know."

"What if people don't know who you are?"

"What?"

"You said that recognition makes you feel like you belong somewhere. What if people don't know who you are?"

"Is this a trick question, Setsuna?" Lockon smiled, but there was nothing in his expression that suggested that he was making fun of Setsuna. Instead, he looked almost sad.

"That's what I was thinking, before you came."

"Does this explain your exhibitionist tendencies?" said Lockon, referring to Setsuna's run-in with Ali Al Saaches. He was the only one who could get away with saying things like that. Setsuna wondered how Lockon was going to react if he knew about Marina Ismail.

Setsuna shrugged. Everybody knew them as Celestial Being, what was going to stop them from getting caught up in the vision of others? How was following Sumeragi Li Noriega and whatever the Veda had said any different from what he'd been doing with KPSA? Soran Ibrahim had made a lot of mistakes, what was going to stop Setsuna F. Seiei from doing the same?

"I think it's impossible to stop war, sometimes. I think on it and I realize just what we have undertaken," Lockon began. "And in the end, there's no real peace, just you making do with what you have. When you have come to terms with yourself, that will be the time to stop."

"Lockon—"

"If we ever get out of this alive—"

"Lockon! What are you saying?"

"You're so young, Setsuna. I worry about you."

That made Setsuna step back. He looked at his feet, muttering, "Then stay with me. Don't talk like that."

He heard Lockon laugh softly. Then he felt the older man's arms around him. Setsuna stiffened, almost struggling to get away but willing himself to keep still.

"You're so cute."

Setsuna's heartbeat had begun to return to normal.

"We go on. Even though I feel like what we're doing is impossible sometimes, even if nobody knows or appreciates us for it, we go on. You know that all along, and that's why you rebel against it. But we're here, Setsuna, and there's nothing else we'd rather do." Lockon's breath was warm against Setsuna's right ear, tickling him.

"We react, we act," said Setsuna.

"Yes. We do what we can. You believe in something, Setsuna, don't let go of that. In the end, that may be all we'd have left."

Setsuna said nothing, leaning against Lockon instead, letting the latter support most of his weight. Lockon smelled faintly like pine, something green and cold like that, and his weight was warm and welcome against the expanse of the sky, the coming dawn.


End file.
